dreaming of christmas

When I was little, Christmas was a magical time. Mystery and wonderful smells and my mother, uncle and even grandmother all happy and carefree. I would wake up really early on Christmas morning - and run into my uncle's room and jump on his bed until he woke up. Years later I learned that he hadn't gone to bed until 3 am, after assembling gifts and wrapping all of them as well. But there I was at 6 am, eager and ready to start Christmas! Because the rule was you couldn't go downstairs before 8 am, he spent the next two hours keeping me entertained - and letting my mom and grandmother get some more sleep. Luckily for me, he was a clever man and began the saga of Princess Paula (how ironic that the princess and I shared a first name) that kept me mesmerized for years. She was a strong, empowered young girl, who went around rescuing princes and dragons. When last heard, she was assailing a castle to free both an entrapped prince and his good witch mother from the clutches of an evil fae. Once my installment was done (it was continued at Easter, 4th of July and several other holidays - you couldn't leave a Princess hanging for a year, after all) we would go down, have breakfast and everyone would linger over their coffee until I was fairly leaping out of my skin. Then finally we would go into the living room and there would be a panoply of gifts and stockings and joy - right there permeating that room.

Over the years of course it all changed. My grandmother, then my uncle at the too early age of 63 and finally my mother all passed on. It's been 6 years soon since my mother died. Her last Christmas was spent at the rehab assisted living center where she went after her surgery. I took her Christmas dinner and we opened presents there, but it wasn't the same. It was 3 days after her 83rd birthday and I was really hoping she would be around for a lot longer, but it wasn't to be. I am crying even as I write this. Being alone in the world isn't always easy. I suppose it would be different if I were married or involved with someone, but that isn't the case, so it is kind of daunting sometimes. I've been lucky in having my cousin Paul around, but I know he isn't going to be here forever - he has a life and ambitions that he needs to pursue.

Since that time Christmas has been a struggle. Don't get me wrong, I know it's not about presents, or trees or any of the superficial things, but it has remained difficult to recapture that joy in my heart. I do try though - because it is the time of year when whether you are religious or celebrating culturally - everyone is a bit kinder, a bit friendlier, a lot more caring. I get to see friends and relatives - and this year my best friends were here and I was able to spend some time with them for a whole weekend! And my other best friends are coming for new year's. But I still yearn to recapture that early feeling of joy and happiness that was so meaningful to me as I was growing up. I hope and pray that it will come to me again.

This year has been especially tough - economically and emotionally. We are awaiting word that projects we have worked on for years will be funded and that we will finally be paid our commissions. This would be good since the economy has virtually eliminated the need for companies to hire writers. But Christmas is coming - a week from today - and I am still waiting for the spirit to infuse me as it did so long ago. I know it will but it seems to get later and later each year.

So I am writing this long missive to share with you all and wish you a Happy and healthy Christmas. And if you don't celebrate Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanza and everyother holiday I can think of. My heart goes out to all of you, who like me face the holidays without the family you loved. I wish you all warmth, anticipation, joy and above all hope. Hope is the reason for the season and love and really and truly, peace on earth and good will to all.